These nights again

Why humans are so weak?
Why humans are created to be so complicated, especially their mind?
I hate when your for example arguing with someone and you couldn't figure out anything good to say. And after the fight when you sit back and repeat all and think "I should say this thing and that."
After all I don't end up fights like with my friends or like that.
I just hope that I could say all the things what I've been thinking now to him whiteout starting to cry.
I guess it has left so deeb scars that it hurts when you talk about it , and it can't never repair again.

I've been feeling so frustrated, anguished , unaccomplished and numb.
Feeling that everything what I've done will disappear right after.
So frustrated that a little wrong voice at the wrong time drives me around the bend!
Emotional,  even writing this takes all the power what I have enymore.

deeb thoughts

Olen nuori .Olen päättäväinen
En ole tyhmä ,osaan päätellä.
Osaan elää elämääni niin kuin tahdon.
En ole kapinallinen teini. Olen ihminen.
Minulla on tunteet. Minulla on voima.
En ole avuton. En ole passattu.
Olen pohjalla. Olen korkealla tähdissä.
Minulla on valta päättää itse miten elän elämääni.

I'm young. I am determined.
I'm not stupid, I can conclude
.I can live my life as I want to.
I'm not a rebellious teen. I am a human being
.I have feelings. I have the power.
I'm not helpless. I'm not spoilt.
I'm on the bottom. I'm high on the stars.
I have the power to decide for myself how to live my life.

Once you have lost the trust..you can' never get it back

I believe that you can die to sorrow.I believe that your life fades away whit every tear what you cry.
Your eyes start to blur, you can't see anything feel anything. You go completely numb on the inside.
What you hear is completely silent darkness or completely fearless rage.Slowly your heart stops pumping blood through your veins and you feel when all your pain slowly goes away,when you can't feel your toes and fingers. All your body parts stops working, you stops thinking,you stop breathing. Close your eye's, you don't see anything when suddenly bright light comes toward you. You feel your going blind, when all is gone....You're gone


for ever

So messed up again

   I'm feeling a heavy chest armor whats hanging on my shoulders. 
Pressing my lungs smaller and smaller place.


I'm here again, waiting for a miracle, for you . 
I tought I lost the hope,yeah did! 
I tried so hard , so hard , i tried so hard,but lost it
Same thing to drop a crystal vase and it shatters to a million pieces and you have to place the pieces back together.


I was thinking a few days ago while I wathced a story of a girl who almost kill herself and on that video she were saying that " I realized that I have a meaning for being here,I need to be here and I      have the right to be here..." so I  realized that I almost killed myself... But didn't realized what that   girl on the video....    




It's so crazy to think that like a year few years ago I thought that self injuring is so disgusting,I wouldn't never do that to myself...while I watched one of my best friend doing that I was thinking " how she can do that to herself doesn't that hurt?does that even  help anything?" but now I understand  her I know how she feels I know that feeling and I know how it can get from bad to wors  and from  worse to horrible. I got over it but it's always there. It's always on my mind when I almost did it. And the whispers on my mind what says why you didn't do it? what if you did it? will you do it? why wouldn't  you do it? Those whispers are always on my mind.

Blah..

I'm getting really sick
I can feel it
This isn't healthy anymore...

Awesome

Shit...

Yeah...
I'm losing it..losing it